Master Matchmaker from the Stars and Beyond!
by SpookyChild
Summary: Yuugi dumps Yami, Bakura has Brilliant Plans, Malik gets insulted, and Ryou just has a headache. A normal day in the life of Bakura the Master!
1. Single and Sassy

Bakura: Master Match Maker from the Stars and Beyond!

A Yu-Gi-Oh Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Authors Notes:  
Okay, okay, I know. I was supposed to write Camp Counselor, blah blah whatever. I couldn't think of anything. So instead, this idea came to me, and after many hours of sitting around and doing nothing, I decided to write it. I'm not going to lead you on, though its more than likely that I wont have the next chapter up for a while. Although, you can never be sure. Maybe this current surge of inspiration will last.

We can only hope, right?

R... right?

Disclaimer: Guys, my dream job is to be the person standing out in front of music stores playing the organ. Is that weird?

Chapter One: Single and Sassy

"Yuugi dumped you?"

"Yep."

"Shit man, thats rough."

"You're telling me." Yami muttered darkly, swirling the contents of his glass around. It was nothing but apple juice, since the bartender thought that Bakura and Yami were only high school kids, but they still liked to think of it as something expensive and highly alcoholic. Bakura patted his back in mock-pity before attempting to steal his beer nuts.

"So why'd he dump you? I always thought you two were like those penguins that mate for life, and can tell each other apart from other penguins." Bakura explained, hastily pulling back his hand as Yami attempted to stab it with a pen.

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't know. Just tell me the story, yeah?"

Yami sighed. "There's nothing really to tell. We got into an argument over the refrigerator light, before I knew it, he was telling me that we should date other people."

"The refrigerator light." Bakura stated, his voice flat.

"You had to be there."

"I'm sure. Oh man, I don't know where I fit in now!" Bakura moaned, motioning to the sky exaggeratedly. Yami raised an eyebrow.

"What are you going on about?"

"Were split up! We were always a team, the three of us! It was always you, me, and Yuugi!"

"...It was?"

"But now, I don't know what to do with myself." Bakura shook his head sadly. "It is at the crossroads that Life runs us down like a freight train."

"...Did you get that from a shirt?"

"Yeah."

"Your punishment is to buy me that shirt."

"Pharaoh, this calls for drastic measures." Bakura began seriously, turning to face Yami. "We have to get your woman back." Bakura ignored Yami's indignant look and went on. "I'm calling in the big guns."

-----------------

"Please explain to me why you two always show up in my living room at one in the morning smelling like apple juice." Ryou prompted, staring down at the two spirits contemptuously. For someone so tiny, it was an amazing feat. Bakura smiled sheepishly and nudged Yami in the door.

"Aibou, it seems that the Pharaoh has gotten himself into a nasty little pickle."

"Yuugi dumped me." Yami interrupted, sounding dejected.

"He's gonna crash on the couch, okay?" Bakura asked, patting Yami's head as if he was asking to keep a puppy he found on the street. Yami pushed him off, which ultimately ended up in a squabbling sissy fight in the middle of the living room.

"Fine, he can stay for a few nights- I think were quite done." Ryou said loudly, addressing the mass of flailing arms and legs that was Bakura and Yami. "Yami, couch. Bakura, room. Bed. Now." Making his Authority-In-All-Things known, Ryou immediately walked back up the stairs and into his room. The two spirits watched him go before slowly turning to each other, smiling wickedly.

"X-Box?"

"X-Box."

-----------------

"Your boyfriend just turned up in my living room." Ryou spoke into the phone, plopping down on his bed. Yuugi made a disgruntled sound on the other end.

_"Don't even get me started on him_."

"What happened again, exactly?" Ryou asked, twirling the phone cord around his finger.

_"Oh, he knows what he did_." There was a pause over the connection. _"What... what is he doing now_?"

"I don't know. They're probably playing X-Box."

_"Figures_."

"You should talk to him." Ryou stated bluntly. "He seemed kind of down."

_"I'm sure his heart is breaking, what with all the X-Box playing_."

"I said probably. They might not be." Ryou muttered, unconvincingly.

_"No. I don't even want to see his FACE right now_."

Ryou nodded. "Understandable. I guess hell just stay here for a while." Yuugi made a noncommittal noise.

_"Hmm.__ Well, I guess that's good that he's not out on the streets. Or at Malik's house."_ Ryou shuddered slightly as Yuugi continued. "_I think I'm going to go. See ya_."

"Bye." Ryou hung up the phone, leaning against his headboard and thinking about this new arrangement. Helping friends with their own love lives just wasn't his forte, especially when he didn't even understand his own. His current relationship with Bakura was iffy. Ever since their anniversary (of when Ryou got the Ring, NOT when they were married), things have been kind of different between them. What that meant, though, Ryou couldn't begin to guess. As he thought on this, there came from downstairs the sounds of muffled game play.

(BOOM)

(CRASH)

"I TOTALLY BEAT YOU THAT TIME, PHARAOH!"

"YOU'RE SUCH A CHEATER, THEIF! ALL YOU DO IS PRESS THE SAME DAMN BUTTON OVER AND OVER!"

"I'LL PRESS YOUR BUTTON!"

_"OW_!"

Okay, not-so-muffled. Ryou sighed. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

-----------------

(A/N)

Its short and not very good, but hey, I'm trying. Also, I really have no idea where this story is going. If you have any ideas for this story, e-mail me and Ill take them into account. It would be appreciated.

Peace!


	2. Brilliant Plans

Bakura: Master Match Maker from the Stars and Beyond!

A Yu-Gi-Oh Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Authors Notes:

Wow, another chapter! Where absolutely nothing happens! Because I have no idea whats going to happen in this story! Awesome!

Disclaimer: So I was standing in line at the grocery store one day when some shady guy came up to me and said, You want the rights to Yu Gi Oh? Seven bucks a pop. And I thought, seven bucks?! Hell yeah! So I went home and studied the receipt, when I found out I actually bought the rights to something called You Gay Hoe. Weird. But it sounds a lot more interesting than Yu Gi Oh, so Im pretty excited.

Chapter Two: Brilliant Plans

"Operation 'Get Pharaoh Laid' officially under way." Bakura whispered from his position in the bushes across the street from the Game Shop, failing in his attempt to be incognito. The large pair of binoculars covering his eyes pretty much gave him away. "Wind speed; normal. Sun at the eleven o'clock position. Baby Bird is in flight."

"Bakura, why are you wearing army fatigues?"

"I think the question is, why aren't you?"

"Look, he clearly sees us. He's waving the broom at us and yelling." In deliberate misunderstanding of Yuugi's actions, Yami waved his hand in greeting to him, after which the sound of the Game Shop's doors slamming caused a few pigeons to fly off.

"I think this will be harder than I initially thought." Bakura sighed, putting his binoculars away. "Let's go get some ice cream."

"Okay." As the two wandered down the street towards the nearby ice cream shop, Bakura decided that they needed a new plan. Granted, the only plan they had come up with last night in between car crashes and zombie-shooting was for them to drug Yuugi, tie him up and attempt to do some sort of Voodoo Love Curse on him. Bakura was doubting this plan, though. Yami didn't even believe in voodoo.

"Isn't Ryou supposed to be helping us?" Yami asked, his mouth full of Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream. "I mean, where is he?"

"Said he was going to the Game Shop." Bakura stated, wiping Birthday Cake ice cream off his chin. "He said he lost his copy of Fallout 3."

"Wasn't that what we were playing last night?" Yami asked, turning to Bakura, only to find him furtively adverting his gaze. "Bakura, where did you get the money for this ice cream?"

"I think I've come up with an idea," Bakura interjected, effectively changing the topic of conversation. "Let's go to Malik's house."

"Eww, why?"

"'Martha Stewart Living' is on."

-----------------

"Don't you guys have your own T.V.?" Malik asked exasperatedly as Yami and Bakura barged through his front door. "I mean, why do you guys only come over to watch my cable?"

"What are you talking about?" Bakura asked innocently as he helped himself to the contents of Malik's fridge. "We come over loads of times."

"Oh, yeah, right. I've forgotten about all the times you guys have toilet papered my house. Or put firecrackers in my mail box. Or played Ding Dong Ditch." Malik sneered. "That last flaming bag of dog crap almost set me on fire!"

"See? Loads of times. Now stop complaining." Bakura said cheerfully, handing Yami a juice box, and well as keeping one for himself. "Besides, our young Pharaoh here is in a bit of a tight spot. We were hoping you might want to help out."

"Oh yeah?" Malik asked, raising an eyebrow. "What happened?"

"Got his ass thrown into the dog house. Metaphorically and physically." Bakura stated. Yami crossed his arms and looked affronted.

"Listen, just because you found me out there with my blanket and my pillow doesn't mean he threw my ass out -,"

"It was raining and everything, and he was just _lying_ there!" Bakura shrieked, while Malik giggled insanely. "And it wasn't even their dog house! It was the NEIGHBORS! They don't even _have_ a dog!" Bakura and Malik burst into laughter while Yami tried to look dignifiedly offended, but only ended up looking like a sullen teenage girl. "-And Yuugi's at the window just yelling and throwing all of his shit out on the lawn! It was priceless!"

"So what happened?" Malik asked, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I mean, what the hell did you do?"

"I didn't do anything-,"

"Well, I mean," Malik began, "You had to have done something, to get your ass dumped like that!" He and Bakura burst into another uncontrolled bought of laughter as Yami's lip twitched.

It was at this point that Yami burst into tears.

Bakura and Malik froze. Both of them had about the emotional range of a dirty old sock, and at the sight of someone crying in their presence, they had absolutely no idea what to do. They stared at the Pharaoh, the guy who normally struck fear in the hearts of evil-doers everywhere and was currently wailing into Malik's afghan, before catching each other's eye. Bakura snarled.

"See, Malik?! This is why we never come over!"

-----------------

"Aww, come on, Pharaoh. Don't cry." Bakura cooed as he walked Yami back to his house, awkwardly patting the Pharaoh on the back. "Hey, come on. Just calm down. Would you shut up already?!"

"I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!" Yami wailed before returning to sobbing hysterically into his hands. Bakura simply rolled his eyes and kept walking, alternating between dragging Yami behind him and leaping after the Pharaoh every time he made a run into traffic. God, this was worst then when he watched the first Pokemon movie with Ryou, and Ryou kept crying during that song about brothers when all the Pokemon were fighting each other. "They're not even brothers, theyre _clones_," Bakura had tried to explain to him, but that just made Ryou cry harder and cling to Bakura so Bakura just gave up and started playing Pac Man on his Gameboy. Seeing as how he didn't have his Gameboy on him right now, though, he was starting to lose his patience.

"Come on, just get your ass inside." Bakura growled before kicking Yami through the front door.

Ryou was interrupted from his book when the door burst open and Yami flew in, crying hysterically, and Bakura stomped in after, looking pissed off. His first thought was that they had gotten into a fight, but then he remembered that their positions would have been reversed if that was the case, and finally concluded that his Yami must have done something insensitive. Again.

Ryou sighed and put his book down. "What happened now?"

"The Pharaoh has realized that, while you may have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last. You'll go through all the pain and strife, but then you turn your back and they're gone so fast." Bakura stated, matter-of-factly. Ryou stared at him.

"...Did you get that from 'Mmmbop'?"

"It doesn't matter, though," Bakura continued, picking Yami up off the floor and tossing him unceremoniously onto the couch, "Because I'm going to sort this entire thing out."

Silence. Ryou felt a bit uneasy. "And how are you going to do that?" He ventured.

"Easy. I'm going to go talk to Yuugi." Bakura stated proudly, before turning and sauntering out the door, slamming it loudly behind him. Yami stopped crying, and caught Ryou's eye. The two shared a nervous glance before Ryou sighed.

"Good thing I have his coffin on layaway already."

-----------------

(A/N)

End of chapter two! Will Ryou find out that Bakura sold his copy of Fallout 3? Will anyone ever visit Malik for reasons other than watching Martha Stewart Living? Will Bakura convince Yuugi to take Yami back? Or will Yuugi just bitch slap him up and down Domino City? Is Domino City even the name of their city? Will I actually watch Yu Gi Oh ever again? Some of these questions may be answered in the next chapter. Maybe. Probably not.

Peace!


End file.
